This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
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I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
only 11 steps left
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Look at this