I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
You Might Also Like
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.