A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
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Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Trying
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Denise please return my vape pen
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.