[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
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~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
omg leave her alone
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
mentally somewhere in italy
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.