Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
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[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player