When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
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Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.