craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
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This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf