jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
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You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix