can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
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Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”