MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
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Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
If a snake ate a cake
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]