no!! no!!!!!!
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I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.