Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
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Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
A drum solo but on your face.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”