Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
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me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
That’s no pocket rocket.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.