Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
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Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Where is your GOD now????
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.