Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
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If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Bit chilly again tonight.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign