My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
You Might Also Like
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.