By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
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[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.