Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
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Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend