My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
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My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition