HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
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Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Hey I worked for it too!
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it