My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
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[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I like crazy people until they notice me
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Weirdos gonna weird.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.