I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
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ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I’m not average. I’m mean.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
oh my god
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.