cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
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bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.