I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
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You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Me recordaron éste meme
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls