something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
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Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Employees must applaud the planets.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal