[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
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Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
My inexpensive home security system…
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did