transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
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I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.