*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
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[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle