I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
You Might Also Like
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there