i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
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If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Webb. James Webb.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*