“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
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If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.