Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
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My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
❤️🦆
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.