I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
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[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Beware of the dog..
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.