“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
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“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
This can never not be funny 😭😭
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
LA today:
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead