An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
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I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.