My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
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My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.