Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
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This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.