[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
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Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.