With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
You Might Also Like
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain