My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
You Might Also Like
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
It was worth a shot 😂
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single