I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
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Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
My current situation
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look