Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
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No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up