[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
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If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
When ur friends with white people
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting