Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
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My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day