New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
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[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Go hard or stay average
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.