This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
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I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
damn he’s good
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.