And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
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Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?