to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
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absolutely not
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
2022: I can fix it
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please