[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
You Might Also Like
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid