Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
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Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Tough love is true love
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.